Just Like This

New growth comes from old wounds. Somehow, time and again, I am made new from the inside out. Just when strength seems to faulter I am comforted by simple truth.

Here are the truths about me you never knew. I am a submissive, I desire to serve a Master. A Man whose feet I can sit at. I wish to be cuffed, and collared, I wish to obey and be disciplined. I need to serve...it is something inside of me, something I can't deny.

I so often tell people to live one life, a simple life, to be who they are. Too bad I don't follow my own advice. I have lived a double life like this for many years now. I was foolish to think that I could manage to handle this, while knowing so many people who have failed at it. I have bounced back and forth between plain vanilla and dominant relationships for a very long time. I decided I needed to make a choice after my last relationship ended so swiftly.

I choose to be what I am, submissive, a slave.

I am sorry if I have betrayed the trust of any of the few people who read my blog.

If You wish to know the address of my true blog, please email me at Hadenagendum@hotmail.com, and I will send you the link.

If you wish to read, I understand, if you wish to part ways with me now, I also understand. I have not forgotten to write, I just simply needed to write as myself for once. This blog will no longer be updated as of today.

Val: If for some reason you are still reading my blog. You no longer have the right, in my mind, to read it. I am sorry for never telling you of my submissive nature. I tried to...remember the discussion we had about Gor Online? But I couldn't. I thought you were my chance at a vanilla life. But I'd never be happy in a vanilla life, I know that now.

A Reason To Start Over New

The shores of the past recede from me. I see you still. My bound hands embrace you, and my head, as it falls, rests its weeping eyes upon you.

I have left you, my beloved.

Forgive me all my extravagance. It is a further token of my love. My last waking thoughts, and all my dreams, are of you...

Heartless

When a guy breaks up with me, I always vow I'm going to change. Change what...I don't know, they never tell me what it is.

(I hate you for letting me believe, I hate myself even more for wanting to believe you. For thinking it would be different this time. But it's not different, and my pain isn't make believe. These tears I'm crying are wet and real, and they are for you, they are for the loss of you as you were.)

What I thought was going to happen finally happened. I knew something was wrong.

Val broke up with me.

(Did you see that coming?...Anyone? Why didn't you say so!!)

Anyway...I'm gone for a few days to separate myself out from Val. Gotta be a single person again...

(So I'll sit on the floor of the shower...and let the hot water run over me until I can no longer tell I am crying because the water feels the same. It's the only place I can be alone in this apartment. A shower always helps...a little.)

Let Me Let Go

The sky is achingly blue today. So bright you squint for nearly five minutes before your eyes adjust. This a day for stories to be written and scenes to be acted. It is a day to live, or to die, or to lay on the sweet smelling grass in the warm sunshine for hours.

Yet it did nothing to stave the silent alarm going off in my heart.

I have a desperate feeling, like I should be occupied doing or saying important things, and yet I am somehow delayed. I have neither the words nor the purpose to do such a thing. So I try to lose myself in the blue blue sky, I try to weave myself into the words of a book. Anything at all not to have to feel the forlorn sort of knowing tug upon my heart.

In this struggle I am truly alone. There is an unrest reflected in my liquid brown eyes that I have never seen before. My mind is constantly at work, never resting, even when my eyelids close. The feeling is such that from one moment to the next I do not know if I should laugh or scowl or burst into tears.

Conversation is near impossible. The words exchanged are somehow empty in the sway of my spirit. There is some deeper meaning I crave, like the silent dialogue between two lovers' bodies.

I am feeling everything multiplied a tenfold. Happy is ecstatic, and sad is pure misery. There is no safety in sleep, even my dreams are overwhelmed by such emotion it causes me to wake and sit in bed.

I feel helpless...

Do What You Gotta Do

"I know what love is now. I mean, I know."

"Well, don't die with it. Tell me."

"Okay-um, wait a minute. Let me say this right. Okay, you ready?"

"David!"

"All right-don't hit. Love is not what you think."

"Huh?"

"Let me say it again. Love is not what you think."

"How do you know what I think-?"

"It doesn't matter what you think. Love is not what you think. No, no, don't hit! I'll explain. All the talking about love-that's not love. That's talking. All the thinking about love-that's not love either. That's thinking. Love isn't what you say and it isn't what you think. It's what you feel. That's all it is. Nothing more. But all that talking and thinking-and all that other stuff we do-that's just stuff that we make up about love. It's not love, Annie! We just think it is, because we've made this stupid connection that talking and thinking about something actually have something to do with the thing itself. Love is really very easy. We're the ones who make it so hard."

-David Gerrold

After much trial and tribulation, I met Val at the airport on Wednesday.

It was truly bliss to be able to see his face while he was talking.

Nerves were evident at first, but soon settled into the comfortable kind of banter we are both used to. I was so glad to see him finally, that it was all I could think of to say. Over and over again.

For me it was a confirmation of feelings, and a translation of surreal to real. Everything was better then I could have imagined. Everything from the way he gives a little wink when he's kidding, to the jokes he makes, to the way he teases me.

If I had been paying more attention maybe I would have kept myself from putting it into words. Yeah...you know me...I wrote out all my feelings and tucked them safe in an envelope, sealed it, and gave it to him.

My heart winced when no reply was forthcoming. I wanted to find the card and rip it, shred it, make it disappear. And it hurt that I couldn't take it back. That I couldn't put it back inside of me, locked up, the key thrown away.

I wanted to crawl under the bed and stay there. I had that kind of creeping embarrassment, the irrational logic that comes from the truth. And by the time I couldn't hide my tears any longer I didn't want to know the truth. But I knew I needed to hear it, one way or the other.

And as he told me the truth, I understood his reasons. But it still hurt to know it. It hurt so very much I couldn't breath, until it was released in some low sounding wail. From then on I couldn't say anything right...it all came out wrong. The more he said...the more I tried to explain myself and the worse I sounded, so the quieter I became. The quieter I became, the more frustrated he got with me and the more it seemed he was angry with me. The harder I tried to fix it, the harder it became to simply get the words out, until I couldn't say anything at all. Until I just wanted him to hold me so tight that I wouldn't be able to breath. But I couldn't ask, because he was so frustrated with me, and I was so frustrated with myself.

Worst of all I could feel it hurting him too.

This is someone who is doing his best with me, giving it his all. Doing his best to be honest with me, and all I can do is cry and make him feel bad for doing it.

And that is why I am an idiot.

I can't take it back, and I can't pretend I didn't say it. All I can do is prove it. Time is one thing I do have, and time is what it will take to prove such things.

I was talking to RMK, and I told her I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fix the mistakes I've made, and that I was afraid of the mistakes I might make in the future. She said that as long as I was being myself I couldn't make any mistakes that couldn't be fixed. I have to believe that this holds some truth.

It was hard to watch you go. It was hard not to compare you to the past. I'm frightened because I've been promised these things before. But like I said, one thing we have is time.

I can be strong because what we have is something strong. It was built in the best kind of way on a sturdy foundation of truth. I believe the things you tell me wholeheartedly. A luxury few people have. Never think for a moment I'm not giving it everything I have. Never think that I'm not trying to understand. And know that I never think for a moment that you aren't giving it your all, or that you aren't trying to understand. That is one of the things I respect about you.

I hope your flight was safe. I can't wait to talk to you honey. Hurry home.

(There was a secret you said you'd tell me someday. I was wondering if it was someday yet.)

New Style

I got tired of tweaking my old template, and now that they added Blogger comments, I decided just to go with one of the new Blogger skins. That way they have guides on how to change things and I don't need to spend hours figuring it out myself :)

I Thought I Saw A Man Brought To Life

Sorry I've been away folks. Finals were taking more time then I previously expected. That and there is really only one thing on my mind. Meeting Val.

I picked lilacs from the bushes on campus yesterday. I figure I ought to be able to pick the flowers considering I pump twenty grand into that place each year.

One final left, and it ought to be fairly easy. Then Val will be here! I can't believe he'll be here tomorrow!

I won't write for three days then, but I promise to post all about it when I get back on Sunday!

Unanswered Prayers

I bought nail polish, new underwear, and face wash today.

Val impressed BFM who is almost never impressed with the guys I date.

I find myself the science project of PL. She urges me to buy make-up and hair dye which work well for her, but deep down I know I'll just look mildly uncomfortable with it all on. I love her, and I'm flattered she thinks I'm worth the work, I just know I don't need all that to impress a man.

I feel beautiful...for the first time in a very long time. Gleaming toe-nails, new shoes, and new clothes right down to my skivies! I'm ready!