tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61091622011-04-21T18:16:20.428-07:00Don't ask...don't tell...just read.a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.comBlogger901100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1085706274570512512004-05-27T17:04:00.000-07:002004-06-06T20:52:37.026-07:00

New growth comes from old wounds. Somehow, time and again, I am made new from the inside out. Just when strength seems to faulter I am comforted by simple truth. Here are the truths about me you never knew. I am a submissive, I desire to serve a Master. A Man whose feet I can sit at. I wish to be cuffed, and collared, I wish to obey and be disciplined. I need to serve...it is something

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1085702603233200342004-05-22T15:22:00.000-07:002004-05-27T17:03:23.233-07:00

The shores of the past recede from me. I see you still. My bound hands embrace you, and my head, as it falls, rests its weeping eyes upon you. I have left you, my beloved. Forgive me all my extravagance. It is a further token of my love. My last waking thoughts, and all my dreams, are of you...

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1085191048376020602004-05-21T18:53:00.000-07:002004-05-21T19:03:53.406-07:00

When a guy breaks up with me, I always vow I'm going to change. Change what...I don't know, they never tell me what it is. (I hate you for letting me believe, I hate myself even more for wanting to believe you. For thinking it would be different this time. But it's not different, and my pain isn't make believe. These tears I'm crying are wet and real, and they are for you, they are for the

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1084919341808116072004-05-18T14:55:00.000-07:002004-05-18T15:29:01.806-07:00

The sky is achingly blue today. So bright you squint for nearly five minutes before your eyes adjust. This a day for stories to be written and scenes to be acted. It is a day to live, or to die, or to lay on the sweet smelling grass in the warm sunshine for hours. Yet it did nothing to stave the silent alarm going off in my heart. I have a desperate feeling, like I should be occupied

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1084756650177976712004-05-16T17:02:00.000-07:002004-05-17T16:58:26.000-07:00

"I know what love is now. I mean, I know." "Well, don't die with it. Tell me." "Okay-um, wait a minute. Let me say this right. Okay, you ready?" "David!" "All right-don't hit. Love is not what you think." "Huh?" "Let me say it again. Love is not what you think." "How do you know what I think-?" "It doesn't matter what you think. Love is not what you think. No, no, don't hit! I'll

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1084299530570141212004-05-11T11:16:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:19:29.393-07:00

I got tired of tweaking my old template, and now that they added Blogger comments, I decided just to go with one of the new Blogger skins. That way they have guides on how to change things and I don't need to spend hours figuring it out myself :)

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1084289409567463372004-05-11T08:24:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:20:40.413-07:00

Sorry I've been away folks. Finals were taking more time then I previously expected. That and there is really only one thing on my mind. Meeting Val. I picked lilacs from the bushes on campus yesterday. I figure I ought to be able to pick the flowers considering I pump twenty grand into that place each year. One final left, and it ought to be fairly easy. Then Val will be here! I can't

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083937495234574092004-05-07T21:50:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:23:28.863-07:00

I bought nail polish, new underwear, and face wash today. Val impressed BFM who is almost never impressed with the guys I date. I find myself the science project of PL. She urges me to buy make-up and hair dye which work well for her, but deep down I know I'll just look mildly uncomfortable with it all on. I love her, and I'm flattered she thinks I'm worth the work, I just know I don't

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083856380013873052004-05-06T08:13:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:22:11.463-07:00

(The colors of the socks I'm wearing today. Ankle high and white with a red seam along the toe. Calf high and white with two blue stripes.) I am... ...just fine, thanks for asking -- it's a little crazy here right now, like everything happening is leading up to next Wednesday. ...excited for summer vacation because deep down I'm a big four-year-old, and I love all of fresh air, flowers,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083764030984984442004-05-05T06:33:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:24:17.646-07:00

RMK almost died with laughter when she opened our phone bill for this month. I had to laugh too. 2811 minutes. That is how much time I have spent talking to you Val. That is nearly two days! I've probably spent twenty times as long thinking of you. Only one more week. Then I will be standing before you, and you before me, and everything will be right with the world. You mean so much to me

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083679102405131222004-05-04T06:58:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:29:47.673-07:00

When I was a kid, my brother and I would come out to Dayton in July or August to spend a week with our grandparents on the farm. Their house was a stasis of memories, full of rich dark wood paneling, old yellowed linoleum, and a kind of sickly hued brown carpeting. There was so much corn planted that I never saw the edges of it. There was a creek with sharp stones all over the bottom, so

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083592136713841832004-05-03T20:41:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:28:40.986-07:00

Finals loom in the distance. A bit of a dark cloud over my happy refrain. It is something that must be done though. Kind of like a right of passage, or a yearly ritual. Something done to make you stronger then you were before. There is nothing quite like the nervous queasy feeling it brings about. Kind of a deja voo with flashes over everything you've ever learned.

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083514049453452012004-05-02T09:07:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:29:19.456-07:00

The apartment is quiet, except for my music. A hum of melody and notes that my bare feet can tap along to. Spent half the morning lying on my bed with my feet against the wall, my curled hair fallen over the edge, eyes closed, singing along and using my hair brush as a mic. I made orange mint tea, and put it in one of the big blue mugs. It warms my hands and makes my bedroom smell like some

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083472127519227322004-05-01T21:28:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:26:19.396-07:00

Not sure if you check this email anymore, but it is the only one I have. It occurred to me today that we are not really compatible friends overall .. so I guess all I can say is I hope you have a happy life and everything works out for you in the end. Good luck. Dear Art, Perhaps it is time for a little thing called the truth. With these final words I'll try to help you understand. There

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083333068985763952004-04-30T06:51:00.000-07:002004-05-11T14:25:38.066-07:00

PL's freakish over-reaction to lesbians is starting to get on my nerves. And the funny thing is, it's not gay people that bug her, just lesbians. She has no problem with guys liking guys. But we see two girls holding hands and it throws her into a raging frenzy I've never seen the likes of. The other day she tried to tell me that lesbians were girls who didn't go to church enough. And

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083273937777936632004-04-29T14:25:00.000-07:002004-04-29T16:02:34.763-07:00

So Your Heart's Gotta Go There D just burned me. It was only brief contact. One sizzling moment. And then it was over. I remember so clearly the reasons I started this blog. The ache is still there. I hate that feeling. I hate knowing that someone out there hates me so completely, even though I tried to apologize. So I'm sitting here diet coke in hand, getting a headache from thinking

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083159774497297622004-04-28T06:42:00.000-07:002004-04-29T14:31:46.560-07:00

Repair Your Broken Wings My chapstick keeps disappearing. I've bought more chapstick then one person, even a girl, needs. Somehow those little tubes just get up and walk away, or so I thought. I've come to the realization that I've been washing my pants without looking through the pockets very carefully. I frequently find crispy dollars and change in the lint collector. Unfortunately the

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1083078084883491302004-04-27T08:01:00.000-07:002004-04-27T08:05:39.420-07:00

When I'm Returning, From So Far Away... For Rae: The more I read of your writing, the more I think we are kindred souls. I can look back at my old journals and I sound exactly like you. I think if we were in high school together we would have been the best of friends. You know (Im getting serious here), I've been really low. What with thoughts of lost love and overall despair for my future

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1082991256481824482004-04-26T07:54:00.000-07:002004-04-26T07:58:28.920-07:00

When There's No Getting Over That Rainbow He went silent for a minute and then said, "You've changed since we last talked, you seem better now." And how do I explain that better doesn't even begin to describe how I am; that it was a transformation, a metamorphosis, a religious experience. Yeah...I'm better now...no thanks to you B2. But the thing you can't see and the reason I can't love

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1082911905505543852004-04-25T09:51:00.000-07:002004-04-25T09:55:56.686-07:00

I'm Really Lovely Underneath It All My first kiss was on a train. A group of giggly girls too far from home, going on a real vacation, alone. Mix that with the single college guys across from us on a three day train trip and it was bound to happen. I remember waking up at three in the morning. We didn't have a sleeping car, and the train had broken down at least three times, each time it

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1082837000286685822004-04-24T13:03:00.000-07:002004-04-24T13:07:30.983-07:00

I'm Tired Of Living In The Dark I spent most of the morning watching people in the parking lot from my kitchen window. Call it a cheap form of entertainment for a college student who has no money. So far there have been two couple fights, one person moving out, one person bringing in groceries, five groups of children getting in everyone's way, and the stalker guy who is obsessed with my

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1082749883257955092004-04-23T12:51:00.000-07:002004-04-25T21:23:16.153-07:00

Counting The Ways To Where You Are I have two dozen roses sitting on my desk...all from a man who loves every crazy wild and dorky thing about me. I can tell him about my plants, and what I did at work, and the books I love and the people I see...and he listens. He remembers little things I've said far beyond the fact. He remembers that I'm still a girl and there are just some things you

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1081435887684992292004-04-08T07:51:00.000-07:002004-04-08T07:55:16.200-07:00

So I thought - Hell If It's Over And so here I am. This is worse than a bad relationship. I always come crawling back to my blog, teary eyed and promising that I will write in it every day for the rest of my life. Good thing I suppose, it's the only thing in my life besides my family that's never let me down. Oh yeah...I met the man I'm going to marry.

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1076385358086313342004-02-09T20:00:00.000-08:002004-02-09T20:17:23.233-08:00

I'm Here...Just Like I Said... Once more begins the metamorphosis. I feel a change coming on within myself. This must be what the calm before the storm feels like. Suddenly I am not as smart as I used to think I was. The world is a little more real right now then it ever has been. I see my life with a clarity and detail it has never had before. Z - Thanks for the change you've made in

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1076215510633699782004-02-07T20:45:00.000-08:002004-02-07T20:47:35.403-08:00

Bouncing 'Round From Cloud To Cloud I saw in the mirror of someone else's eyes, a picture of myself tonight. I have so many things under my control, my resolve is set, my mind made up, all I have to do is follow through. I've been distant from my family for awhile. I miss my sisters, and my brother. I forgot how much until I saw them. Sometimes I hate what I've become in this world. I

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1076038950516510492004-02-05T19:42:00.000-08:002004-02-05T19:44:52.513-08:00

Once Bitten Twice Is Shy And the world was set right again.

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075955962585861542004-02-04T21:05:00.000-08:002004-02-04T21:05:07.246-08:00

The Best Part Is Danger Staring You In The Face Those who say they have no fear have not lived long enough to know that fear and cowardice are two different things. I fear you. Not as I fear snakes or spiders, but as I fear death. A nameless sort of ache in the back of my mind, always reminding me of the dangers and of the past. The ways you can hurt me are far worse than those of physical

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075784755984070102004-02-03T20:22:00.000-08:002004-02-03T20:22:02.030-08:00

If You Want To, I Can Save You... This morning was stressful. I feel as though my very being is threatened if I don't pull through this semester. It is very important that I prove to myself I can still do this. I am hard as nails, bitch to all, FreakAngel. Who is this softer soul? Was she there all along? I think so... (I miss you...where are your lips in the morning? Where are your

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075694961334562462004-02-02T20:48:00.000-08:002004-02-02T20:48:43.640-08:00

There's Just Too Much That Time Cannot Erase The other night I dreamed a dream that was so real, when I awoke, I thought I had lost reality. My legs were twisted in my blankets, my fists were clenched, and my hair was damp with a cold sweat. I felt as though I had just been standing on a cliff, looking back over my life, the black clouds and the paths of sunshine. (I have a feeling in the

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075694530914867762004-02-01T20:02:00.000-08:002004-02-01T20:04:27.996-08:00

You Are Beautiful...That's For Sure... I'd appreciate thoughts on my new layout! I revamped it a little bit, because I was feeling very creative. I was not, however, intelligent enough to figure out how to use the same comment board I was using. So, alas, we must start again. Please, leave a comment, I would like to make sure the comment board is working If you notice anything not working

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075605695267084482004-02-01T09:42:00.000-08:002004-02-01T19:19:40.530-08:00

I'm Covered In Lies And That's O.K. Monday looms in the distance, but I don't care because I have chocolate. Heh. It is snowing here today, the fluffy kind of snow that is good for making snowmen. Though I can appreciate it a lot more when I don't have to walk to classes in it. It won't be so cold this week as it was last week. I bought an orange bush yesterday, and a hanging fig plant.

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075571181216564172004-01-31T09:46:00.000-08:002004-01-31T09:48:35.716-08:00

Some Things You Don't Leave Until They Leave You It has been a happy hazy Saturday morning, popping strawberries onto each of my fingers and eating them off. Somehow I have this cheeky smile stuck on my face, and people have been noticing it all week. Love makes you transparent. It puts your heart on your sleeve, and for a brief moment all the world can see exactly who you are. I had not

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075471550561365262004-01-30T06:05:00.000-08:002004-01-30T06:08:04.060-08:00

Challenge What The Future Holds Brrr...it is so cold outside. I can't believe they didn't cancel school. I bet the governor doesn't have to walk two miles to school. On the weather report there is a giant word right over Minnesota, it says FRIGID. I thought that was a good word. TBJ do you remember the snow fort we built when we were little? It had three tunnels, pits, and a wall, and

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-107535652683003522004-01-29T09:48:00.000-08:002004-01-30T05:40:42.373-08:00

But if I Lose The Highs, At Least I'm Spared The Lows How good it is to laugh again. I'd almost forgotten how pathetically sweet and inspiring the conversations between lovers can be. To think I wanted to give this up. I find him telling me, "I love you." and I'll respond, "I love you more." then it escilates into the following: "Do not..." "Do too!" "Do Not!!!!" "Do Too!!!!!" "Do not,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1075353251862194002004-01-28T21:14:00.000-08:002004-01-28T21:16:23.356-08:00

They Say That Anger Is Just Love Disappointed Your words capture me and hold me close, if I close my eyes tight enough I can feel your arms around me. I desperately search for you in my sleep, but my hands just keep reaching on...I wake up with such a longing in my heart I want to sob to the depths of my being. But I don't...I brush my hair, I make breakfast, I go to school, and work. You

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1074916780903290022004-01-23T19:59:00.000-08:002004-01-23T20:01:45.640-08:00

Bound By Hope You remind me of hot fourth of July nights spent at the local carnival eating caramel apples and winning cheap stuffed animals out of a claw machine. You remind me of walking across the Washington Avenue bridge in the early morning hours and staring down into the depths of the black waters, wondering, hoping, praying. You remind me of the deeply rooted feelings I have toward my

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1074812020056215802004-01-22T14:53:00.000-08:002004-01-22T14:55:42.373-08:00

To Be, Or Not To Be... Love is one of those things, you can never be sure of. But you always know if it is there or not, almost instantly. Like the color of someone's syes, or the way they smile. The attraction is a mutually warm feeling, immediatly comfortable in each other's presence. Do I love You? Most definetly...It is as easy as breathing, as putting one foot in front of the other. I

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1073352810402369982004-01-05T17:33:00.000-08:002004-01-05T17:33:49.390-08:00

Further Notice This blog will continue once I head back to school. I am busy starting a new research project and will be away from the computer until January fifteenth or so. Please return then! Sincerely, FreakAngel

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1073066590577914992004-01-01T09:59:00.000-08:002004-01-02T10:03:29.100-08:00

Always Will Be Me Forgive me for having hope. Or for being exited...its the way I function. I think if I didn't have it, I wouldn't be who I am. And while I know everything you say is true, it is sometimes irrational for me to think that way. Tell me why I can't believe... I am passionate, wild, crazy, funny, and yes...weird at times, and it makes me wince to think that someone would want me

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1072983301608789762003-12-31T10:50:00.000-08:002004-01-01T11:32:34.510-08:00

You Don't Drown By Falling In The Water; You Drown By Staying There. Just a funny conversation I overheard in a restaurant. Guy: You know, God kills a kitten every time you masturbate. You must have killed off a whole pet shop by now. Girl: Oh yeah, well there's a small nation out there that doesn't even know what kittens are because of you! Happy New Year All!!!

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1072804278617098662003-12-29T22:13:00.000-08:002004-01-01T11:15:02.120-08:00

Such A Strange Situation I start to live a new life, a troubled life, though not so troubled as of yet. Words flow like uncorked wine against the lips of a life dying of thirst. So touched, and yet hurting at the same time. I replay the events of tonight over and over in my mind. So overwhelmed by it that I just began to cry, the gentle cry of release and satisfaction. The world was dank

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1072756621928012182003-12-29T19:57:00.000-08:002003-12-29T19:57:18.770-08:00

Faded Angel I feel a glimmer of warm control and burning within me, as though I were suddenly satisfied with myself again. Like that cat that got the cream. We have this work that becomes a perfunctory nine to five job to some, though the noble of spirit and pure at heart learn to live each moment of their life and work and love, it all becomes the same. One big huge time bomb of insanity,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1072631969016744662003-12-28T09:19:00.000-08:002003-12-28T09:44:04.736-08:00

Just A Stirring In My Soul... Slowly, the mess and dust and dirt within me begins to clear, I begin to see myself faintly again. The light spills through my window and pools onto the floor below, spreading slowly as the sun rises. (NB...did you feel what I thought you felt when I kissed you that night? Was it a sweet and gentle and loving kind of touch that lingers for days upon the skin,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1072128629754531832003-12-22T13:30:00.000-08:002003-12-22T13:30:45.090-08:00

Moments In Time... FA: you find that frame with the song in it...the frame with the leaves on it...that I gave you when?...for your birthday...that was awhile ago...if you open up the back...there is a slip of paper in there...and it says one word... FA: it says "Yes" FA: do you know why it says Yes? B: no I do not know why FA: it says Yes...because I've never used that word with anyone before..

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071943852676305082003-12-19T10:07:00.000-08:002003-12-20T10:11:07.736-08:00

A Leap Of Faith I stand at the edge of a cliff, watching the other side of the canyon in the distance. It looks like a fairy tale one can barely see. It must be a place like Heaven, beautiful and free. Then my gaze shifts below to a harsher climate. The wind blows mournfully and the sun won't shine. Here, things are dark and all is surely lost. Those people down below, couldn't pay the cost.

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071814827954884002003-12-17T22:18:00.000-08:002003-12-18T22:21:34.276-08:00

The Sweet... I want someone who can stand in front of me and look me in the eyes, and see me for who I am. I don’t want a perfect man, I want someone who has reason behind what they do and say. Someone who understands that nothing worth having is easy to get. Someone I can pull into a coat closet and kiss, then turn around and introduce them to my parents. It seems as though I touched

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071714475228489462003-12-17T18:27:00.000-08:002003-12-17T18:28:09.436-08:00

And I Don't Have To Know How, And I Don't Need To Know Why... I turn my back on love. I can't bear this feeling any longer. I am broken in every sort of way there is. Each time I try, it is like bracing for an electric shock I know is coming. (I hate you for never loving me, but not as much as I hate myself for never saying anything...)

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071708583963535752003-12-16T16:49:00.000-08:002003-12-17T18:05:59.470-08:00

Somewhere Over The Rainbow... There are times we find ourselves in the least likely of places. I have been plagued by the thought that I do not know what will come tomorrow. But in that, I have found there is a joy of living, a hope that will never die. I might fail in this world, drivel away my talent, watching my own self shrivel. Faith, however, says that no matter the pain I go through

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071551700429034122003-12-15T21:15:00.000-08:002003-12-15T21:15:14.193-08:00

I Could Hold You For A Million Years I feel so light-hearted and joyous. For the very first time in my life I feel like someone actually knows me, for me. Not through someone else, or from a distance, or just from my writing, but me as I am, FreakAngel. Someone who will listen to my ramblings at a book store while I go on and on about what is great and what is not. Someone who will pay for

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071466558748836042003-12-14T21:36:00.000-08:002003-12-14T21:36:53.860-08:00

The Red Stroke...Tempered And Strong. Being with you is floating in a dream like state When you're lying in bed and you're wide awake. A sweater, slept in, folded, left on my bed Brings vivid memories of you Clothes strewn across the floor awaken my bliss. Cold morning, made warm knowing I am not alone. Late nights followed by lounging daytime dreams. A sweater and a blanket to keep us warm The

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071362577331805992003-12-13T16:42:00.000-08:002003-12-13T16:43:10.130-08:00

Mussings Of A Mad Woman... The moon smiled softly down upon the town of Draghorn. Nestled tightly amongst the hills and valleys at the base of Mount Nephria, it was a quiet place of no significance to the passing world. Except for this is where our story begins. The White Forest extended as far as one could see in all directions; a blanket of silvery shimmers. The sparkling light of the moon

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071274011695753532003-12-12T16:09:00.000-08:002003-12-12T16:09:37.340-08:00

There's A Lifetime Out There Somewhere...Somewhere In The Dark She was truly deceptive. Sort of a new age virtual laissez-faire in drag, right down to the fake eyelashes and the chipped red nail polish. A kind of ultra cool bohemian goddess masquerading as a secretary. From the blond fright wig to the stippled and coffee stained teeth, she had it down. Even earning extra points for the

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071182513329101902003-12-11T14:49:00.000-08:002003-12-11T14:49:09.833-08:00

It's The Only Thing I Want To Do... Welcome to Human Life 101. In this class you get the exams before the lessons, and you will never graduate. Of all the things I imagined being grown up would be like, I never imagined this. I'm not a woman whose ever been insecure about the world she's living in, I've never been one to break. I've never let anything have this much control over me before,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071118363385319472003-12-10T14:45:00.000-08:002003-12-11T14:49:52.273-08:00

Six Feet From The Edge... B's new girlfriend has been chatting with me almost everyday. It's as though she's waiting for me to beg to have him back. I feel better without him though, and she's the one who got pregnant, she's the one who will be stuck with him forever. Sometimes she says things that make me regret breaking up with Brandon though. There were things about him that were so

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071030129838167322003-12-09T20:22:00.000-08:002003-12-09T20:22:21.916-08:00

Here We Dance This Grim Fandango Such a deep and lovely feeling fills me up...but I won't speak about it, I won't curse it. I am not so frustrated as I was just a few days ago. The world seems to have tipped back right-side up in an odd twist of fate. (He wrote to me, "It was a long day at work. This time of year it gets really slow, so I am forced into standing around for the vast majority

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1071013976403270402003-12-09T15:52:00.000-08:002003-12-09T20:26:23.850-08:00

Pretty Girl Smiles Six o'clock and I'm in my pajamas already: warm fuzzy flannel pants, an old sweater, red toe-nail polish. Cold toes. It's still early, I don't know why I'm so tired. One class today, and then I went shopping with L...she is a bubbly, bitter, wild woman who is hopelessly caught up in the moment. Do I even have anything to say? I'm feeling claustrophobic, which hardly

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070936805591244692003-12-08T18:26:00.000-08:002003-12-08T18:28:21.063-08:00

What A Luscious Night... What a smokey, smelly, rubber city this is some mornings. There are days I long for the children giggling on bikes and scooters, running up the suburb streets. Sirens, car alarms, and train whistles are the things that wake me here. (N...do you remember those hot and dusty nights spent in uptown drinking all kinds of coffee and vanilla Italian soda? We read tarrot

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070898748839469932003-12-08T07:52:00.000-08:002003-12-08T08:21:03.060-08:00

I Do Not Feel Ashamed... It has come to my attention that I am a fool. Not just any fool, but an overdrawn, naive, walked on fool that has made too many mistakes twice. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." And I'll tell you something, I don't need to take this crap, not from anyone. I don't need some googly-eyed, malfunctioning, jackasses telling me

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070836622133304032003-12-07T14:37:00.000-08:002003-12-07T14:37:13.440-08:00

I Believe That We Can Change Ourselves I made cheesecake this morning. Real cheesecake, not the kind out of a box. I sliced up juicy red strawberries and mixed them up into a sauce. It all turned out perfectly, cooling off in the refrigerator. RMK and I turned on Christmas music today. It was all very much like being at home for the holidays, except this is finally our own place! (M…do you

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070773228125898972003-12-06T21:00:00.000-08:002003-12-06T21:00:39.750-08:00

When I Look At This World...I Think About You... I know you will never read this Dad, but I need to write it anyways. I need to apologize for making judgments on you when I was too young to know better. There was a time I thought you hated me, because I look so much like mom. I thought you couldn't bear to look at me. I wanted so badly to be your little girl, but you were so stern and strong

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070765376606903962003-12-06T19:21:00.000-08:002003-12-06T19:24:40.433-08:00

You've Got The Most Stumbling Blue Eyes I've Ever Seen. It is never night on Cartha. The moments of dawn and dusk are intertwined; one sun rises just as the other sets. A red glow spreads over the land with the brilliance of the light of two suns, for a brief time. Then a slow purple haze bruises the sky until the new sun is high. It was said that Soledad was born at the exact moment both

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070753740148369082003-12-06T15:35:00.000-08:002003-12-06T15:35:51.236-08:00

This Is How You Remind Me Of What I Really Am... Letters I can't seem to finish... Dear MM, In confession, I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this letter. I mean...I really don't have a good reason, and I was trying to come up with an excuse, but I could not come up with a viable one except that I wished to talk to you. Normally, I wouldn't bother anyone with such trivial thoughts, and

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070670945232258672003-12-05T16:35:00.000-08:002003-12-05T17:48:27.240-08:00

I Won't Be Made Useless... Sometimes beauty hits you sideways, speaking in a dialect that you will understand only months later, after the words have been spoken and the needle has been removed from your heart. I see him now in the hallways; he lives only two floors below me. I see him in the cafeteria line, and sometimes he is at the edge of my table at dinner. What was once a chill of

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070602798457174192003-12-04T21:39:00.000-08:002003-12-05T08:40:23.863-08:00

Stand Up Little Girl, A Broken Heart Can't Be That Bad I wish my closet opened up into a secret leafy green paradise with white sandy beaches and warm blue green waters. Then I could disappear for just a little while, alone with my thoughts, my dreams, to think about my future. I wish I had someone to take with me...to remember how to do a sweet thing or two. We could eat juicy tropical

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070585439571671372003-12-04T16:50:00.000-08:002003-12-04T16:52:15.186-08:00

Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About... (The contents of my fridge: Half a jar of marishino cherries, one can of diet coke, one can of beer, a squeeze bottle of mustard, an old carrot, a piece of ginger, club soda, and a half full container of cream cheese frosting.) A man across from me on the bus this afternoon was reading a book called Apocalypse Down. His head was tilted just so,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070515874904473732003-12-03T21:31:00.000-08:002003-12-03T21:36:46.806-08:00

Sometimes I think About Heaven, Sometimes I Think About You... I miss you something fierce...like flames burning my soul from the inside out. Fingers around my heart, squeezing, pulling, and binding. My mind aches with the pain of wondering.... Where are you? How are you? Could I be helping? Am I being foolish? Do you even really care? Or will I forever be nobody's angel... It hurts....

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070489590424342442003-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:002003-12-03T14:13:21.083-08:00

Every Night I Dream You're Next To Me... The snow outside is mostly melted, all that is left now are piles of dirty snow and slushy mud puddles. I need to remember to buy a new pair of boots that don't let the water seep in and soak my socks. I hate having cold toes all day. I feel heartened though, my paintings have come alive again, roses with heavy heads, their perfumed scent lingering in

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070426489405490792003-12-02T21:31:00.000-08:002003-12-02T21:33:59.540-08:00

Life's About Changing, Nothing Ever Stays The Same My name is Freak Angel. I belong to myself. The passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I have succumbed to wildly admirable compulsions driven by these furiously un-ignorable feelings. So many things inside that I could do without -

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070415376860278452003-12-02T17:54:00.000-08:002003-12-02T18:15:32.850-08:00

Storms Are Raging On A Rolling Sea, Down The Highway Of Regret. There are times when life hits you sideways. The blow can leave you senseless, incapable of feeling what you should, of doing what you must. There are no drugs to cure it, no words to make it better, and no explanation as to why you can't find your way back. Each day becomes a battle against memories that skim the surface of

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070337645400200232003-12-01T20:21:00.000-08:002003-12-01T20:22:38.933-08:00

Good Little Girls Make Some Mighty Wild Women... GSC kissed me on the cheek today. I wasn't expecting it, and I must have flushed as red as a rose because he just smiled at me in that cute guy way that makes your insides melt and your toes curl. I've been helping him with his Thesis Project for the past three months. Granted, he only kissed me on the cheek because I brought him coffee and a

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070311679223765332003-12-01T12:47:00.000-08:002003-12-05T08:44:28.500-08:00

Could You Make It On Your Own? The cold air knocked the breathe out of me as I stepped outside today. It hits you like a ton of bricks, you never get used to it, even if you live here. But the sun was shining, and I was greeted warmly by the old man who shovels the walks. I even managed to make it to the bus stop, carrying two packages of cookies, without slipping. I reached the post office

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070242061783158742003-11-30T18:19:00.000-08:002003-11-30T18:22:20.663-08:00

Foolish Games Once there was a little suburban girl full of imagination and wonder. She had big dreams of no longer having to live between two houses and two lives, and of finding a love that would keep her strong. Soon the day came when she had to say goodbye to her parents, trade her shyness and fear for unwavering confidence and an honest smile, and head off for college in the big city,

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070178219164633272003-11-30T11:22:00.000-08:002003-11-30T11:22:33.690-08:00

There's No Such Thing As The Real World Mmm...our apartment smells like baking sugar cookies, and the Christmas lights my roommate strung above the window are putting me into a very festive mood. I love the sights and smells of this time of year. I sneaked into the horticulture gardens in the greenhouse and cut some flowers today, now they look very pretty on my dining room table. I figured

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070171081579975862003-11-29T21:47:00.000-08:002003-11-30T16:49:47.046-08:00

Just Know I Need You Tonight I'm tied up to this feeling inside of me. There is doubt that creeps in, a shadow at first. Soon after, it grows into a large inky blackness where monsters dwell. A blackness that can only be banished by facing it head on...asking for the truth. Only then does the pain ebb, and the shadows that lap against the edges of my heart begin to disperse. The

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070122976566986002003-11-29T08:22:00.000-08:002003-11-29T08:23:06.043-08:00

You're A Black Butterfly With Your Wings Near Fire Today, earlier, I found a little brown bookshelf at the thrift store among the colored clothes and mismatched dinner sets. Upon bringing it home I dusted it off lovingly and gave some of my many many books a home. Stories have always been a part of my life, a part of my childhood. Oh how I believed! A bright eyed, smiling faced belief that

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070074449429695052003-11-28T23:20:00.000-08:002003-11-28T23:45:05.020-08:00

Cool Like A Soda Can Sitting On Ice *sighs some and looks at the blank screen* Fighting with your friends is like stabbing yourself in the foot. R and I just insulted each other back and forth for a good two hours. The only good news is at least she feels better now. I'm still a little mad she called MM a short bald womanizer, and that I'd fall for him hook line and sinker. I mean...he's

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070066088826476902003-11-28T17:36:00.000-08:002003-11-28T20:44:38.283-08:00

I've Been Standing In The Dark I never even had a chance, you know. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to feel that rush, a touch like no other. Living without it wasn't good enough. I began to paint again today. My heart was in it, mixing vibrant colors, plying them to a blank canvas. Music pounding through me, through each stroke. It was satisfying to feel such rhythm's again. (I used

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1070042746638628492003-11-28T10:09:00.000-08:002003-11-28T16:01:23.220-08:00

One Girl Revolution Today is a lazy, half-awake, shimmered haze. I've been dreaming of the strangest things. Dreams so real I can still think of them, reach out and touch them. Real enough to bring tears to my eyes. I dreamed of tech-work with you, MB. Building sets late into the night. The dust and paint and markered notes left everywhere. You sticking screws into the laces of my knee

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069952859614111332003-11-27T19:18:00.000-08:002003-11-27T22:02:28.330-08:00

All The Rules of Logic Don't Apply I feel incredibly alone, but it is a solid strong feeling. Like I needed to resolve my thoughts, reserve the feelings in my heart. I feel more human now, more alive then I did a week ago. The numbness begins to fade, the painful prickles of reality are all that remain now. (Do you remember that night we drank martinis and ate olives in the Newsroom downtown

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069893072677460772003-11-27T07:32:00.000-08:002003-11-27T14:51:01.096-08:00

Use Me, Abuse Me, Do Whatever You Like... (I hate how I act like such a little girl when you want to go. I don't mean to, it just comes out, it's pathetic really. ) I took a long walk this morning, just when the sky started to turn from gray to violet to lavender. I crossed the train tracks and headed for the East River Bridge. It was strangely empty of college students who are all on

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069891670573531212003-11-26T16:07:00.000-08:002003-11-26T16:08:30.660-08:00

You Got Me On My Knees Baby, Begging Darling Please There was a jolly black man on the bus this morning, he reminded me of TS. We had a good chuckle over hardly working on the holidays and the benefits of internet games. I was cold, but the air was fresh, and all the people walking through the slush were wishing me Happy Thanksgiving. (Do you remember when we used to go for long cold walks

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069807501932813182003-11-25T22:09:00.000-08:002003-11-25T22:09:03.113-08:00

If I Said I Didn't Like It, Then You Know I Lied. I must be dreaming, somebody pinch me. How is it all my world can look so different after only a couple of days? Can it be MB was right all along? All I can do is smile. I was sitting on the couch curled up like a little kitten, holding a mug of hot chocolate in my hands to keep them warm, breathing in the scent of it. Then it hit me, I'm

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069700958408297152003-11-24T22:31:00.000-08:002003-11-25T16:45:40.253-08:00

I Need A Lover That Won't Drive Me Crazy I am the one smiling and standing alone. My body is wired today, and my mind, it's like a shot in the dark. What am I thinking...what am I doing? I don't know, but it feels ok. It feels right. (I hate you for continuing to read this, invading my thoughts, taking them even though you didn't want to take me.) I have given myself away, and the load

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069622180504616602003-11-24T05:58:00.000-08:002003-11-24T05:58:25.666-08:00

Youth Goes Hand In Hand With Foolish Pride My school books are calling my name, but I can't tear myself away from this feeling. I feel half alive, I don't want to let it go...not even for a second. I can feel parts of my old self coming through. (I remember giving up my weekends to be with you, B. I remember the frantic Sunday night studying until the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069548409727304642003-11-23T08:35:00.000-08:002003-11-27T09:07:34.080-08:00

There Will Be No White Flag Upon My Door I lie here half awake, sleepy, but I am happier today then I was yesterday. Something inside of me shifted and clicked back in place. The world is covered in a layer of sparkled white. I've missed the snow. If you are born in Minnesota, you wait for the first good snowfall so you can feel alive again. A feeling that first touches you when you are a

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069522280128960232003-11-22T15:29:00.000-08:002003-11-22T15:29:01.503-08:00

When It Rains It Pours My hair is still damp from the shower. I sit here curling the thick peel off of an orange, half naked in my bath-robe. Our apartment smells like banana bread and fresh air. Snow falls softly outside, lending a fresh look to the dull brown and gray world. I'm distracted by something I can't quite put my finger on. It's been a common feeling as of late. The days keep

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069520097068905202003-11-22T08:54:00.000-08:002003-11-26T19:39:07.873-08:00

Something So Deceiving, When You Stop Believing I did grown-up things this morning. I bought groceries, envelopes, and little multi-colored notecards for class. It felt good. I felt like a little girl later though, eating shaved turkey wrapped in a circle of provalone cheese and drinking syrup-sweet pop, playing with the baby pickles on my plate. (B used to think it was so strange that I

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069429931375030802003-11-21T18:49:00.000-08:002003-11-21T18:49:06.846-08:00

Trash Can Rhapsody I thought about B today. I became so accustomed to him being there, it wasn't until today I missed him. No guilt, no regrets, only a sad kind of hurt that aches inside me wave after wave. I wonder if he is safe, if he is happy. I doubt he could ever be happy, he makes his own life miserable. I hope he finds happiness anyways. I thought about the first time B said, "I

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069428836880362062003-11-21T07:33:00.000-08:002003-11-22T09:41:03.506-08:00

Bestest Friends I eat a grape popsicle, even though I know it's supposed to snow today. In fact I eat popsicles all winter. Call it a reminiscence of past summers sweet and sticky hot. You would kiss me with your cold orange flavored lips, and I would lick your fingers. We spent the whole entire day giggling and tickling and poking each other. Staying up until dawn, when the sun crept

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6109162.post-1069379558027638392003-11-20T17:52:00.000-08:002003-11-21T22:54:57.266-08:00

Calling All Angels I look at the mess on the floor of our small apartment and I think I really need to clean. I look at the clutter in my heart and I think I really need to clean. I feel as though I'm just starting to awaken from a comatose state. I don't know where this mess came from, and I don't know how long it's been here, all I know is that I am done living in it. (I thought you'd

a phantom girlnoreply@blogger.com0